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From the
https://www.kentonline.co.uk From the Secret Drinker, 29 August 2025.
Secret Drinker reviews The Swan Inn in Loose near Maidstone.
It doesn’t matter how funny your joker is, every good double act
also needs a straight man to set up the punchlines.
The Swan Inn was a huge empty space when I walked in but it wasn’t
long before this main road Maidstone boozer played host to a pair of
likely fellows extracting humour from every opportunity.
A traditional-looking white weatherboarded pub, The Swan can be
found on Loose Road in Maidstone (just beyond the traffic lights).
Plenty of dark wood, old-style radiators and traditional ornaments
reminded me slightly of my nan's old front room.
Bob the Cap had the perfect foil in his mate Al and they took it in
turns to not only tear into each other but to also tease yours truly
and force the barmaid into several titters.
My initial impression of this large, slightly shabby pub was a cross
between your nan’s front room and an old community hall.
There is a good deal of dark brown furniture on display and plenty
of wooden flooring but the fixtures and fittings are in fairly good
nick and feel authentic, rather than bought off a warehouse shelf to
make it look like a real pub.
There’s a large room on the left which contains two dartboards and
every table in here was reserved for the home match against the Duke
of Marlborough later that evening – arrowsnare clearly taken
seriously as it was still six hours until they were due on the oche
at 7.
The only beer available on draught was Harvey’s Sussex Best but that
suited me fine for a first pint and getting change from a fiver for
a drink of this quality has to be positive.
Floor to ceiling white tiles make the gents easy to maintain.
For a few minutes I viewed Sky News on the big screen and watched
the farrago, that is Newcastle United and Alexander Isak but that
soon became boring.
Bob the Cap opened his act by asking me if I was a policeman or just
looked like the sort of person who wanted to put someone into a pair
of handcuffs?
His straight man Al picked up the theme with some jibes at coppers
and even took the mick out of firemen.
Pubs need characters like this almost as much as they need decent
beer and a ballsy barmaid and these two were about as full of
‘character’ as anyone you’ll meet.
The pub itself is about as bog standard as you can get, and I’m not
saying that as a negative. There are two dartboards, an old school
fruitie and an electronic version, several TV screens (only one
switched on), and there was no music competing with the sound on the
TV.
Is anyone really interested if an incredibly over-paid spoilt brat
plays football for the team he's contracted to or refuses to play
ball?
There is a monthly quiz and there were also signs advertising live
music – I’ve no idea who Tommy H is, but he’s in action here
tomorrow night (Sat Aug 30) and promises Oasis, The Verve, Coldplay,
Stone Roses, Paul Weller, which all sound great, hopefully he does
too?
The place had been deserted when I walked in but barmaid Leigh was
quickly on the scene and once she’d served me she swiftly took a
position at the corner of the bar to concentrate on her crossword.
But, don’t be fooled, she had one ear alert to Bob’s sharp wit at
all times and didn’t let him away with anything. At one point she
even got up to save Al’s legs and deliver him a fresh pint of
Fosters.
There’s plenty of wooden flooring, as you’d expect in a place of
this age, but there are also carpeted areas and out front of the pub
faux, plastic grass is the covering of choice.
It’s a long old fashioned bar and, interestingly, there is a sign
asking you to move away after purchasing your drinks, there are also
signs saying £50 notes, and anything printed north of Hadrian’s Wall
will not be accepted here.
The large room at the far left-hand side of the pub is pretty much
devoted to the game of arrows - there is a board at each end of the
room.
I spotted a strange Perspex surround on the till which I assumed
went back to Covid, but I’m assured it’s to stop scumbags from
leaning across and grabbing a handful of notes, I didn’t think
enough folks were still using cash to warrant this?
I can report the loos are as old-fashioned as the bar but are kept
clean and fresh, and certainly a good deal fresher than Bob’s jokes.
I’ll spare you the details of the next conversation about the
pickled quails’ eggs behind the bar and what it took to produce them
but it culminated in Bob insisting he buy me a pint of Stella and
making it very clear he wouldn’t accept one in return – a comedian
and a gentleman.
We all know it’s not the building or the beer which really makes for
a great pub, it’s all about the people on both sides of the bar and
this particular place is very lucky to have this pair of
self-confessed ‘muppets’ keen to take centre stage and put on a
show.
I doff my cap to you Bob, I hope you continue to work on your act
and keep both your long-suffering mate and barmaids everywhere on
their toes.
No-one was using the back garden when I was in but it's a decent
size with plenty of seating available.
Décor: There’s nothing clever or flash here, it’s an old coaching
house which is a little tatty round the edges but does exactly what
it says on the tin. My nan would have been happy here. ***
Drink: It not surprising to find there’s only one ale on draught but
The Harvey’s was a well-kept pint and the best pint of Stella has to
be a free one. ***
Price: I got change from a fiver for my Harvey’s Sussex Best at
£4.80 but if you do go for Stella (like Bob bought me) it will set
you back £5.40. ***
Staff: You have to hand it to the barmaid, she’s got her work cut
out with this pair but fortunately she gives as good as she gets and
is old school enough to take it on the chin. **** |
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